Growing up as an adolescent male is not at all simple these days. It is a unique time of life in which you are no longer a child, but not quite an adult. You are kind of in this in between phase, and it lasts a while. A lot more may be expected of you, but you are still learning the skills to be “grown,” and may sometimes feel like you would rather not! There can be a lot of social and emotional challenges during this time in life, in addition to the academic ones. Your self-esteem may hit new all time lows. You may feel confused about your identity, sexuality, or relationships. Some friendships that used to be pretty close no longer are, and it may not be always clear how to form new ones. People soon start asking you about colleges and majors and you may have no idea what you “want to be when you grow up.” All of this creates a lot of internal pressure.
Puberty, bodily and hormonal changes, and new social demands and opportunities all contribute to a variety of conflicts, both internal and external. Part of what creates “internal conflicts” is the boy “code” that says it’s not masculine to feel or to express your feelings– unless it’s anger. Anger, and even aggression, may be the only acceptable expression of emotion for boys and young men. And this is really limiting because all people- boys and girls, men and women- are born with the capacity to feel the huge range of emotions that make us human. If you don’t have safe places and outlets to discuss some of these internal and external challenges, you may find yourself experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, or both. Some young men turn to substances to help manage big feelings, confusion, overwhelm or loneliness. Others may act out aggressively and then feel guilt or shame for their behavior. Some may feel very anxious or depressed or find themselves withdrawing from friends and family.
Especially because strong sexual feelings can be in the mix for young men, having other, older, trusted men to talk to can be extremely helpful. Some boys and young men are fortunate enough to have this in their fathers or an uncle or a trusted family friend or teacher. But, in part because some older men also have trouble talking about feelings or struggles, not everyone has this person. In this case, having a male therapist may be particularly helpful and normalizing. He’s been where you are in some way. So he can both be someone to talk to, but can also be a positive male role model.
Competition is part of being human and is especially heightened in the teen years for boys. Competition can be expressed in healthy ways (e.g., academic achievement, sports, etc.) or in unhealthy ways (e.g. bullying, peer pressure, etc.) Whether competing physically in gym class or in sports or competing in the dating sphere, becoming a “young man” often involves figuring out how we “measure up” against our peers. This can be motivating in some ways, and tiring in others. What is even more important than knowing how you stack up, is figuring out who you want to be. What kind of man do you want to be in the world? What are your dreams for yourself and for the people you love? Having someone to talk with about these dreams, and maybe even fears, and to help you aim your life in a positive direction you will be proud of, is an opportunity you have even at early stages of becoming a young man – like now!
If you or someone you love would benefit from speaking with a therapist who understands and respects the unique challenges and opportunities for boys and young men these days, please reach out to us at 201-292-0581, info@resiliencerestored.com, or book with us directly: https://resiliencerestored.janeapp.com/
