Sometimes we are thrust into a change because of life circumstances. When a child goes off to college, while expected and even happy, our circumstances and rhythms change. If a spouse develops a debilitating illness, the whole routine of our lives might change, as well as what we consider important. Other times, changes are more internal, start slowly, and it may take us a bit of time to realize we are in a transitional period. Menopause is a perfect example for women. Growing disenchanted or disinterested in our work is another common example. We are being invited internally to step back and re-evaluate our priorities, capacities, values and desires in order to envision a new phase of our lives and even of our selves.

Human beings don’t necessarily thrive in conditions of predictability and familiarity, but we do derive comfort from them, and our nervous systems seem to like them. I say we don’t necessarily thrive in these circumstances because growth often requires some kind of disruption and change. But we are wired to resist change, especially unexpected and unwilled change.

A big part of what makes change challenging is that it requires of us skills and capacities we do not yet have. A new parent doesn’t know how to be a parent; most of us don’t even know how to change a diaper when our own babies come along! Change involves a learning curve which requires a lot of energy, attention and focus from us, as well as flexibility and the humility to fail and keep trying. That’s a lot!

The fact of transitioning into something new means we are transitioning out of something old and familiar. Leaving college and entering the work world brings with it a new level of independence and responsibility and a loss of constant peer interactions. Going from being part of a couple to being a divorced person often involves the loss of relationships that were part of the couple. Becoming a parent who is responsible for creating a safe and predictable environment for a very small child means we may not continue to be as socially spontaneous and available as our pre-baby selves. Inching toward the end of our careers and becoming interested in more creative pursuits often means letting go of old ambitions and our success-oriented selves. We lose familiar roles, routines, relationships, but also ways of seeing and relating to ourselves. Major life transitions often involve some level of an identity shift that can be disorienting and unwelcome. We naturally seek stability and predictability, so while we are moving ahead, we may also be stepping on the breaks, causing ourselves a bit of a spin.